its been 5 months

and nothing has changed. Nothing noteworthy to write about. Just me... sitting here accomplishing nothing. I have not improved the world. I have not made massive changes to help better society. I have not served my country, i have not served my fellow man. I have done nothing of value. I have become what my recruiter said i would become without the USMC, i am a failure.

Ok so thats not fully true, i have made the first steps to open a buisness. I am in college. I am moving my life forward at a rate slower than i would like, but forward progression none the less.

I dont know what im doing, but im going to do it full bore, and i at least have the grit and determination to do that.

Ok... So heres what happened

Holy crap its been a crazy few months.

So heres what happened.

Shipped to boot, got injured at boot, got sent home. Crazy ride i have to admit.

So my shoulder ripped out at boot camp. My medboard for some reason said the marines didnt need to fix me. Crazy right?

Well heres how its going to work out im looking for work, and since im not going into the military i think i might keep this as a personal blog.

where are all my friends going....

First it was big tobacco...

Now its the Fobbits need ice cream too....

WHERE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS GOING!!!!!!!!!!!!1


im not sure whats going on. Both of them were some of my favorite blogs, and now they are gone.

However... i find solace in the fact that Ranger Up still has some of BT's writing including the 3 rules(which are printed out in my office, and at home, and in my truck and....)

Wherever you are BT...

As lame and gay as it sounds. You changed my life.


ADDENDUM:

I got an annoying e-mail from someone wanting me to write for him. Guess what. I don't write for anyone but me. The point of this blog is to remind myself what i was as a civilian so when i become a marine i don't fully loose myself, and know how much i have improved or not as a person. Thats the point of this. Not to entertain you (although i hope i do).

I don't get very many readers here, and im ok with that. I don't really care too much if i get 100 people reading or 0. Obviously my ego will be nicer if i have 100 then 0, but its not the mission of this to become popular.

I hope y'all realize that, the posts about not posting are reminders of what a flake i am. the posts about my fear are to remind me of how fearful i am, and how much i hate taking big risks.

but at the end of the day, as selfish as this sounds. This blog is for me. not you. I hope to share in the experience, but that's not the mission. The mission is to remind myself of what i am now so when i become more, i can judge myself fairly.

this past week has been....

insane to say the least.

At work my coworkers have been on short fuses, and ive been the sane one for once. My replacement finally showed up so im training him to take my place in a little over a month.

Overall i think im staying fit, mentally im not even close to being ready for the path ahead of me but i dont know if i can be ready for it. Im about to make a massive change and everything i know is just going to psych me out. I figure im going to take my future as i take today, ill face it as it comes. I am armed with the knowledge it will take me, and i am armed with the knowledge of my body, and how far i can push it before it breaks, and how to keep going after it breaks. I guess thats the best i can do these days.

On a family note, my mom is out here in a month and i cant wait to see her. And im flying out to california on fathers day, so im going to see if my dad can pick me up from the airport so i can hang with him down in LA for fathers day, because i havent just hung out me and him in a LONG time. It will be a nice change.

I dont know whats going on with me with my family though. I havent missed them this much since i left. I think its the fear of going into the unkown without them that scares me. I dont know what im going to do without them a call away. Even living across the country i have always had them, and for the first time i wont. For the first time in 7 years i wont have a cell phone. For the first time in 10 years i wont have e-mail to talk to my family. I dont know what im going to do. For all my talk of being a badass who dont need no one, im still a little kid in that regard.

I dont know whats causing all this shit, but i feel like at this point i should be with my family, helping them and spending as much time as i can before i leave. I feel like im cheating them by not being there. And even tho they dont say it, i know they think it too. it sucks.

we are t-minus 3 months and im not nervous about going, im nervous about not having my family hate me when i go

sometimes i do indeed, suck at life

ok so i suck at life for not writing in this thing for 2 weeks. So lets see whats been up.

I had 2 pool functions in the past 2 weeks. So what are the results:

Pool function 1 (South Florida Poolie compitition)

Did a shitload of pullups (19)

Did not a shitload of crunches (71)

did not run. Caused trouble, hung out.

Pool Function 2 (standard pool function, did IST)

Did some pullups (10, could do more but gunny stopped me)

Did even less crunches (61)

Did a pretty good run time (12 minute mile and a half)

So theres the marine aspect.

On a personal note, i have been sleeping like shit. Ive also not been focusing well due to the fact im so frikkin tired. Idk whats going on, but im trying to work on it. Thank god for 5 hour energy at work.

ALso, a great quote about personification:

Curious, i have never understood the human compulsion to bond with inanimate objects. This vessel has done nothing. It is an assemblage of bulkheads, conduits, tritanium, nothing more.

Oh your wrong, its much more than that. This ship has been our home, its kept us together. Shes been part of our family, as illogical as this might sound, i feel as close to her as i do to any member of my crew. Shes carried us, even nurtured us, and right now she needs one of us.

+10 nerd points if you can call the show, and episode its from. +5 if its just the show.

Pool Function and Laundry

Tomorrow is a pool function (i missed the last one in a stupid mixup with Dade county and Eviction Notices)

So apparently i have to perform well. Better yet, i have the Flu.

This is gonna be fun.

OH and double trouble, the dryer broke so i have to hang dry everything. In florida. With humidity at its max already.

Great fun this is eh?

overcoming the Odds/Aloneness part 3

The odds were against me to graudate highschool.

the odds were against me to make it on my own in miami.

the odds were against me in every step of my life. And i have overcome.

Now the odds are once again stacked against me. And with my usual determination, grit and faith i will overcome them, bitching and complianing the entire way.

In other news im beigining to learn more about this aloneness thing.

Ive found a strange sense of..... aloofness i guess is the word... to some of my relationships recently. Its almost as if im looking on the outside of them and can kind of analyze everything and see whats going on. These days, thats a strange skill to have.

Thats part of why im feeling alone these days, since i can analyze everything i dont really feel close to anyone. I dont know if its a good or bad thing, ill have to get back to you on that, but as i said in the last entry on this subject, ill continue to scream in the crowded room realizing i put earplugs in all my friends.

I am not sure how to fix it... but one day maybe i will.

As Captian Kirk once said, i like to think that there are always possibilities.

there are always possibilities i can repair whatever damage i may have caused. that i may be able to figure out how/why i do what i do.

there are always possibilities to begin to realize why i feel the need to over compartmentalize my life.

perhaps one day ill find the reason for it all... but right now...

the sound of the echo helps me sleep....