Monday, February 16, 2009


Aloneness: not loneliness.

Feeling absolutly alone. Being in a crowded room screaming and no one turns their head. That bullshit. Yeah, thats roughly where im at

Thursday, February 12, 2009


So tonight is the third night i have laid in bed, staring at the celing and waiting to slip into unconsiousness. Tonight, i am fucking tired. I dont want to take sleeping pills, although i know those would put me into a healthy sleep. I want healthy natural sleep. Ive been eating healthy, ive been excerzising. Ive been loosing weight. I just cant seem to sleep.

Any ideas on how to nod off would be grealty appreciated.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

5 miles, and stopping is not an option

Mile 1:

start running in formation. its easy. Wind on our backs, sun is on its westward decline, and all is well.

almost get hit by a car, but thats par for the course in Miami. Remember to control your breathing, your doin good.

First stop/end of Mile 1:

Stop in parking lot. Push up position. 10 diamond, 1o regular, 10 wide. No Sandbagging. get up. Strech your legs.

Form up.

Mile 2:

Remember to breathe. Sound fucking off when doing a cadence. Dont fucking slow down. If the guy in front of you starts to slow down, push him. Dont fucking quit. Dont slow down motherfuckers.

Ignore the pain in your calfs. Ignore the slight ache in your chest. Almost at the second stop.

Stop 2:

Leg lifts, git your fucking legs 6 inches off the ground. Dont fuck around. Dont sandbag. keep the count.

Get your crunches. at least 30 in 1 minute. Dont give up. Body Builders, only 10 at this stop. Keep the count. Jump as high as you can at the end.

Form Up.

Mile 3:

Ignore everything. The honking and sidewalk. Ignore the trees cutting your arms. The seargeant screaming behind you fades out. you hear the words but you dont remember them afterward. they take over your brain functions. Thought stops. You stare at the head in front of you. You hear your breathing, you hear your feet. The burning in your muscles fades. your in the zone.

Stop 3:

Zone abruptly ends. Pain surges through your body as you stop. Back in push up position. 10 diamond, 10 regular, 10 wide. Strech a bit. Form up.

Mile 4:
you try in vain to remember how you got into the zone. Your breathing cant keep up with the oxygen your body needs. Your seargeant keeps telling you to control your breathing, but for some reason you cant remember how. Your calfs feel like they are on fire. Your legs feel as if they are either concrete or jello. your abs ache, your shoulders burn. you can feel a decent farmer tan start to take shape.

Stop 4:

Leg Lifts, sizzor kicks, and body builders. You stop caring. Your mucles hurt, everyones yelling. You want to quit, you want to cry. Your wondering why the fuck you do this.

Then you see your seargeants EGA. This is temporary. One day, you will have one of those as well.

Mile 5:

You ignore everything. Your not in the zone you were in in mile 3, you still feel the pain. The pain shoots till your eyesight is red. Your head throbs from dehydration. You start to feel dizzy and shake it off.

You reach the last marker, a red fire hydrant. you sprint. you sprint with every last ounce of energy you have. your back in the zone. Time slows down. you dont hear anything except your own breathing and the sound of your feet hitting pavement. This is what God must feel like.

you cross the stop sign. You slow down. You vomit.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

What does it mean to be an american

Ive been wrestlin with this one for a while now. What does it mean to be an american. What does it mean to have strong american values. Well i found a list that dosent exactly hit the nail on the head. but it drives it in a lil bit.

This list comes from Glenn Beck's We Surround Them campaign. Its incredibly interesting. All you have to do is ask yourself do you beleive in the following statements.

I think a great american would answer yes to all 9 (if you have a problem with 'god' put in 'power greater than myself' and see if it works for you.)

A decent american would prolly beleive in 7.

Crappy douchebag college students prolly would answer yes to about 5.

And Nancy Pelosi's brain would explode at the thought people actaully think like this.

1) Yes or no: Do you believe America is a good place, that we've lost our way over the years, that we have done bad things but generally speaking we tried hard. We try to make amends. We have tried to do the right thing. Just like everybody else, we fail from time to time and we have truly lost our way in the last 20 years. But gosh, if you look at America, she's good and our founders were good and our founding documents are good. We've just strayed too far away from them. Yes or no.

2) Yes or no: I believe in God. I may not go to the same church or synagogue or mosque as the majority of people in America, but I believe in God and he is the center of my life, and God does not tell people to behead others or to persecute others that see God in a different way. As long as that god is not telling them to persecute others.

Yes or no.

3) Yes or no: It is my responsibility to try to be better and a more honest person than I was yesterday. Sometimes I fail, I'll make mistakes, but it's my main mission to be better than I was personally than I was yesterday.

4) Yes or no: The family is sacred. I and my spouse are the ultimate authority under God when it comes to my family. I raise my family, and that comes with a grave responsibility. If I fail, I answer to God.

5) Yes or no: If you break the law, you pay the penalty. Justice is blind and no one is above it.

6) Yes or no: I have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but that is not a guarantee of equal results.

7) Yes or no: I work hard for what I have, and I will share it with others that I choose when I choose, should I choose. Government cannot force me to be charitable.

8) It is not un-American for anyone to disagree with my opinion, but my opinion or others' opinions may be anti-American. Anti-American rhetoric would be anything that is destructive to the Constitution and our country as our founders understood it.

9) And the last one is the government works for me. The government answers to me. I do not answer to the government.

Throw in your comments if you agree with these. I really want to see how people rank up and if my expectations for my fellow man are too high or not.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

I think i might be either a sadist or a masochist or something

So part of the way my office administers DEP (delayed entry program) is trying to see who has 'leadership capabilities'. So what does this mean for kids still in highschool and college who have no real responsibilities. Well... the recruiters make us design PT schedules. And even more fun then that, they make us administer them. Your job is to motivate the kids who cant pass the IST (this is half of the real PT test and if you cant pass that, you shouldent be signing up for the marines) and get them to finish your PT schedule.

I was not nice when i desgined it. I did a 3 mile run, then 20 2 man Marine Corps pushups (thats 40 regular). Max crunches in 2 minutes. Wind sprints. Then everyone did 15 pullups (as many as you can do then assisted for the rest). It was amazing, everyone was tired but feeling good. If i could, i would have made us do another 3 mile run. I want to cross the treshold where pain dosent matter anymore.

But there is 1 kid, im scared for. He cant finish the 3 mile run. We were running at a slow pace too. Its not like we were running hard. He kept stopping. I dont care if you have to slow down to slower than walking pace, as long as you dont actaully stop to walk. Keep the running motion at whatever speed you need to FINISH. But dont stop. I had to run the last half mile running backwards and yellin trying to get this kid to finish. I wish he would put out the way we want/ned him too. He makes us all look bad when he dosent finish. And with 3 guys yelling, you either put out or you go home. He refuses to do either.

To be honest i dont know whats happened to me recently. I used to not want to work out and not want to run, But now that im winding myself going on good long runs and doing some upper body i do feel like its a change happening in me. I like the pain. I like the feeling like i might die if i keep going, and toughing through it. I like being with people who im suffering with. Something in me is a little different. I cant wait till boot to finally become a marine though.