Friday, May 15, 2009

where are all my friends going....

First it was big tobacco...

Now its the Fobbits need ice cream too....


im not sure whats going on. Both of them were some of my favorite blogs, and now they are gone.

However... i find solace in the fact that Ranger Up still has some of BT's writing including the 3 rules(which are printed out in my office, and at home, and in my truck and....)

Wherever you are BT...

As lame and gay as it sounds. You changed my life.


I got an annoying e-mail from someone wanting me to write for him. Guess what. I don't write for anyone but me. The point of this blog is to remind myself what i was as a civilian so when i become a marine i don't fully loose myself, and know how much i have improved or not as a person. Thats the point of this. Not to entertain you (although i hope i do).

I don't get very many readers here, and im ok with that. I don't really care too much if i get 100 people reading or 0. Obviously my ego will be nicer if i have 100 then 0, but its not the mission of this to become popular.

I hope y'all realize that, the posts about not posting are reminders of what a flake i am. the posts about my fear are to remind me of how fearful i am, and how much i hate taking big risks.

but at the end of the day, as selfish as this sounds. This blog is for me. not you. I hope to share in the experience, but that's not the mission. The mission is to remind myself of what i am now so when i become more, i can judge myself fairly.

Monday, May 11, 2009

this past week has been....

insane to say the least.

At work my coworkers have been on short fuses, and ive been the sane one for once. My replacement finally showed up so im training him to take my place in a little over a month.

Overall i think im staying fit, mentally im not even close to being ready for the path ahead of me but i dont know if i can be ready for it. Im about to make a massive change and everything i know is just going to psych me out. I figure im going to take my future as i take today, ill face it as it comes. I am armed with the knowledge it will take me, and i am armed with the knowledge of my body, and how far i can push it before it breaks, and how to keep going after it breaks. I guess thats the best i can do these days.

On a family note, my mom is out here in a month and i cant wait to see her. And im flying out to california on fathers day, so im going to see if my dad can pick me up from the airport so i can hang with him down in LA for fathers day, because i havent just hung out me and him in a LONG time. It will be a nice change.

I dont know whats going on with me with my family though. I havent missed them this much since i left. I think its the fear of going into the unkown without them that scares me. I dont know what im going to do without them a call away. Even living across the country i have always had them, and for the first time i wont. For the first time in 7 years i wont have a cell phone. For the first time in 10 years i wont have e-mail to talk to my family. I dont know what im going to do. For all my talk of being a badass who dont need no one, im still a little kid in that regard.

I dont know whats causing all this shit, but i feel like at this point i should be with my family, helping them and spending as much time as i can before i leave. I feel like im cheating them by not being there. And even tho they dont say it, i know they think it too. it sucks.

we are t-minus 3 months and im not nervous about going, im nervous about not having my family hate me when i go