Monday, March 9, 2009

Aloneness: Part Duex

I said earlier that i got a profound sense of Aloneness (thank you Joss Whedon for that one).

I feel like i need to delve a little deeper into it to really get to the crux of the problem.

Its not that i am lonely, i got people around me alot and i love it. I like hanging out with my friends, i like goin fishin and i like the beach. I dont mind the nightclubs and the ringing in my ears. So what is all this about?

Im not sure. Its not that i cant talk to these people, i can and do. Its not that i cant open up to them, there are a select few i do. Its more of a sense that they dont care. And even more of a sense that i dont care.

I like my solitude when i have it. I enjoy sitting and reading alone. I savor these things because i wont have them soon. I dont know if this is part of a defense mechanisim ive built into myself to stop myself from getting attached to people when i know im leaving, or if its a honest sense that since im not going to have privacy or alone time, i might as well get as much as i can now.

Most of all, i think im just scared shitless and refuse to cognitavely admit it. I am scared to death of what im about to do, scared to death ill be forced to compromise my morals to stay alive. but at the end of the day, id rather have those experiences as much as they may hurt, confuse and annoy me...

than continue in this boring office dweller life.

So i will continue to stand in a crowded room and scream while no one notices. I will savor the empty ring of my echo off the walls while no one turns... because soon, i wont have that anymore. And once that is gone... its gone forever. As my seargeant says: Savor the pain, it means you actaully did something you didnt think you could.

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